About
During the past few years, I’ve realized that I’m not normal. I’m different. And I mean really different. While most 19 year olds are out drinking, partying, enjoying being young, I’m doing philosophy, reading novels, writing, and painting. I feel like I’m 40. The weird thing is that I’m not unhappy. I don’t care about being different. I actually like it. And its not like I don’t get the opportunity to be social like everyone else, I am constantly making up excuses as to why I can’t go, so that I can spend my time alone with a book. It’s weird, I know. I think I was meant to live in another time. I would fit in perfectly in the 17th century, but here, not so much. And because of this, because my mind and my age do not conform well to my surroundings, I am left with many thoughts without many opportunities to put them to good use.
And so I’m beginning to understand what madness is. I’m quite sure that I’m schizophrenic, or something very close. I can’t turn my brain off. I feel that I should be doing something important. I feel like I should make use of the creative over excessive power of my mind. I feel like I should concentrate on one thing, on one project, instead of wandering aimlessly (which is providing me with a realm of knowledge spread out so wide that I’m beginning to lose the ability to pinpoint myself and stay grounded). Maybe it’s too much philosophy. But I don’t know what I would do without it. My thoughts have sort of become who I am.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to concentrate on, what the one thing that I should be doing is, and this is what I’ve come up with:
- Life is inherently meaningless.
- Everyone, no matter how the lived, will die.
- So, all that could really make my existence meaningful is for my death not mean my ending. (And no I don’t mean reincarnation or some form of after life).
- I believe that the way for all individuals to lead meaningful lives, is to leave a mark to show that they existed. To have their existence still living after they have ceased to, to achieve a form of immortality (this idea was greatly influenced by one of my favorite authors Milan Kundera in Immortality).
- So now I have to figure out how to make that mark.
- So far I have come up with Existential Psychotherapist. I’ve always felt an intrinsic need to protect and help others, and what better than to help them face the meaningless of life? If only people weren’t so afraid of facing these questions, they’d begin to live up to their innate potential. The world would be a far more pleasant place.
This diary will gradually fill with stream of consciousness entries much like this introduction. They are my thoughts and ideas written down as I experience them. It’s a way for me to get my ideas out of my head and into words so that I can make room for new ones. I’m not sure why I’m writing it as though I am addressing an audience, for I have no expectance or desire for anyone to read this. I guess it just makes it easier.
Jennifer said,
September 24, 2006 at 5:33 am
Your story sounds extremly similar to mine, except that I couldn’t take philosophizing about what truely is the best thing to do anymore and where and how I could make the greatest impact on this world, so instead I decided that I was just going to go out and experience the world. Last year I traveled to Italy, France, Spain, England, Scotland, lived in Hawaii for two months (learning about sustainable living and then moving to Oahu and meeting the founder of a website called couchsurfing) which revolutionized my ability to travel, went back home to colorado for awhile and traveled around the US, went to New York, Seattle, Santa Fe, then went to Vancover and traveled to Brazil for awhile. I tried to go back to school at the University of Colorado this semester to continue studying architecture and philosophy, but just couldnt after living so freely and realizing that there are so many alternative ways of living. So now I have dropped out of school, am probably going to continue to travel this year then Im transfering to Iowa to go to the Maharishi University of Management a school that has consciousness based education so I will be able to learn vedic science (including transcendental meditation) and physics to completly understand the objective and subjective realms of existance (which I feel is a good base background to have for anything you do). So sorry about my autobiography entrance but really I was writting you to ask what your plans were for the future, I was curious to see where all your existential pondering has lead you, because mine lead me on a wild goose chase around the world then right back again to the realization that all I really need is a solid understanding of myself and the world around me to come to a conscious understanding of existence to then live my life and do whatever I see fit (wheather that be dance, art, architectrue, alternative energy, auyurvedic preventative medicine or whatever). Also I was wondering if you had read any of Ken Wilbers works and if so what you think of his integrative theroy. Also, have you befriended a schizophrenic yet (as you have listed on the things you want to do before you die) and if so how was your experience, where you able to help them or did you get sucked into their world? Well I guess that is all I have to say and have probably said too much, seeing as I don’t even know you, but regaudless I was just curious on what your thoughts might be, take care.
Vangelis said,
July 27, 2007 at 6:37 am
interesting
Koinos said,
August 17, 2007 at 8:19 am
Interesting…
J said,
January 12, 2008 at 9:32 am
nice
http://www.everythingispointless.com
Kayla said,
May 23, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Well, it looks as though you adhere to Sartre in many ways. You may also be interested in reading Otto Rank’s book, Art and Artist. He talks about heroics and the way in which artists create art as a way to live on past their deaths. For me, these two works seem to fuse your understanding of what life is about. I am Heideggarian mostly and really adhere to the philosophy of Foucault (even though Foucault shuns being a phenomenologist…he very much is). I am an existential therapist and find that it is the most rewarding job. Glad to see that you are so passionate about this topic and that you are laying a theoretical foundation…that is very important! All the best to you!